Let me say right now I LOVE summer and am not in reality, a Debbie Downer. I am however a critical thinker, and I’m just not going to sugarcoat it anymore. As we officially embark into summer and I proudly display my chalky bare legs resplendent with spider veins and bug bites, I find myself pondering some of the “great” things about summer that if I’m honest – are not that great. I’m talking about things that people pretend are awesome, but they’re just NOT. Hear me out – my top ten.
# 1 CONVERTIBLES. If the day is hot enough to have the top down, that also means the seat is the temperature of the sun, and you will lose at least one layer of skin from the back of your legs. Things will cool off somewhat when you get up to speed, at about the same time your head tries to fully blow off. If you have hair, you arrive looking like you did that time you went to the science centre and put your hand on that thing (Note, not a science geek) If you don’t have hair – and many sporty muscle car owners don’t (these are mostly owned by senior men who are trying to recapture youth by way of finally owning a car that the actual cool guys in the ‘70s had) – then sadly the whole cool effect is lost with the Tilley hat with built in SPF and chinstrap.
#2 SUNROOFS – see# 1, with the added bonus of all your receipts and loose paper car contents swirling around you as you drive, like you’re in a vacuum canister.
# 3 What offers endless bending over, huge amounts of dirt, constant neediness and ultimate disappointment? If you said parenting, you’re wrong (are you though?). The answer was VEGETABLE GARDENING. UGH. Planting a bunch of stuff, then trying to figure out if whatever comes up is what you want or if it’s a weed, then WATERING it a whole bunch of times in a row, then trying to decipher what disease it has (ALWAYS has a disease) or what exactly is the bug that’s eating it and then going to the Farmer’s Market to buy your produce anyway.
#4 FARMER’s MARKETS – Yes, please “Organic Sarah” I’ll pay you $8.00 for 2 tomatoes and a sunflower, because I came up too close to your booth and so now I’ve entered into some sort of unspoken contract to buy something because we spoke and you’re obviously gifted because your tomatoes aren’t diseased or riddled with holes from pests unknown. And I want to look all Harrowsmith/whimsical-like in my sundress and take the visual focus off my aforementioned legs – therefore I’ll carry the sunflower out in plain view, preferably in a wicker basket #blessed.
#5 – CAMPING. Enough said.
#6 – CAMPFIRES. Can’t even concentrate on the singing of Kumbaya when it’s equivalent to having 6 chainsmokers sit 2 inches away and aggressively blow smoke in your face. The burning eyes and air quality issues are only forgotten when nursing wounds of small children who have eaten charred marshmallows that are the approximate temperature of molten lava. The smell of the campfire in your clothes and hair is a gift that keeps on giving, well into the fall.
#7 POND SWIMS No thank you. It’s always FREEZING. Either your feet touch gross mud or slippery rocks. SO many other creatures are in there too. Creepy little spiders that shoot along the top of the water like aliens. Turtles. Fish. Crayfish. There COULD be leeches. Once a watersnake almost touched me. There was a bit of a scene. Let’s just say I’m glad ponds don’t have that chemical in the water that turns purple if you know what I mean.
#8 – FISHING. The ACTUAL worst. You have to carry a lot of gear. You have to be QUIET. You have to touch the grossest stuff to bait your hook, then via trickery, you try to get an unsuspecting fish, minding his or her own fish business, to lunge for it out of hunger, only to have it rewarded by getting unceremoniously dragged kicking (with no legs) and screaming (with no voice) into your boat or up on shore, where you then decide to toss it back in with the worst lip piercing story ever, or the other fate of it gets to become your probably mercury laden dinner. Thumbs down. Two words – Captain Highliner.
#9 – USING MY CLOTHSLINE This one I’m torn about. I like hanging the clothes up. I love watching them flap in the breeze. But I then lose interest and I definitely don’t want to go get them off the line. Sometimes they stay out there for days, and come back in the house with the addition of bird poop. When I do eventually bring them inside, I don’t like that the towels are stiff and can stand up by themselves and can also do double duty as dermabrasion device. Plus, EVERYTHING needs ironed which, let’s be honest, was never even a possibility.
#10 SANDALS I do like that they are cool and comfy. But it’s hard enough keeping my hair/face/hands presentable to the rest of the world, but then there is the added burden of FEET. All winter they get to be hidden away in the deep dark recesses of my boots. Now add to the growing checklist of grooming tasks (eg – did I fill in the bare spots of both of my eyebrows or just the one? Are there any new rogue whiskers that people are too scared/shy/mean to tell me about? Did I convincingly cover up that age spot that aspires to be a third eye?) … I now also have to worry about if my toenail polish is chipping and do my heels look like an ancient creek bed in the Sahara dessert.
That’s my 10 – and perfect timing – I couldn’t even make this up if I tried. Hubby just stuck his head in and told me to water the vegetable garden. So, here goes 30 minutes and several gallons of water I’ll never get back. I guess it could be worse. We could be heading up north in a convertible for a combo camping/fishing trip.