Social Distance Musings – Part Deux

And don’t even get me started on the hair.

By my estimation we’re now into week 30 of this social distancing experiment. I’m not sure things will ever be the same.  For one thing, I can’t wear shoes anymore.  My feet spread out and can only be accommodated in hideously coloured crocs. Luckily they go with every outfit in my current wardrobe rotation.

I fully expect that we will have to move, as this place will no doubt need to be condemned. We don’t ever know what day it is, so we keep missing garbage pickup.  And the only thing that provided any motivation to clean was the ever present threat possibility that somebody might “stop in”.  Without that prospect lately, the reduction in housekeeping standards has been staggering.

Speaking of staggering, we drink every day now.  I think it’s fine though because every day at happy hour we ask each other if it’s weird and the answer is always no, it’s not weird, it’s fine, everyone is doing it. I’m not crying, you’re crying.

We’re living our version of “Skip the Dishes”, in that we eat everything off of paper towels or directly out of cans now. Turns out that among all the other hoaxes out there, the one where I said I would cook healthier if I had more time was a doozy.

Had a nice long weekend of wandering around on our own lawn. We saw some people drive by, so that was cool.  Plus we named all the birds at the feeder and gave them Real Housewives personas.  Rita the red winged blackbird is so “extra”,  she gives the mourning doves something to cry about.  And the cardinal pair power couple (Alexis & Blake) really need to get over themselves.  They’re very messy and the poor cleaning staff (chickadees) are working nonstop picking up after them.  And all hell broke loose when a Wood Pecker showed up and was being a real – you get it.

Working from home is going okay, although I’ve been having a bit of an issue with a co-worker. Continuous swearing, inappropriate attire with a smattering of  unwanted touching.  And then when I come into the room, it just escalates.   I’ve reported to HR but they’re “not responding”, much the same as my computer most of the time on this rural internet.

In other news, I forgot how to drive.  I’ve been watching a lot of BBC so keep getting confused about which side is mine. I feel like a failure if I have to go grocery shopping, so when I go to the store I do so hurriedly, and in a most apologetic manner.   I tried wearing a mask, but my glasses kept fogging up so I couldn’t see, and then I would bump into people who got VERY alarmed and defensive.  I had to decide whether to ditch the glasses or the mask , ended up going with the Mr. Magoo approach so bought a few things by accident but no real harm done.

This life in isolation also makes me think of those Dateline episodes where people disappear.  I picture someone in authority saying “She hasn’t used any of her bank or credit cards in weeks”, as they speculate that I could be missing or worse.  Just to be on the safe side I make occasional online purchases so the banks don’t worry.   Luckily today there’s a sale on something I need .

Stay well friends.

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Social Distance Musings

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Disclaimer #1 – These are not my feet.

OK instead of working out I thought I might write some stuff down this lunch hour, during these weird times.  I’m finding I wake up in the morning and forget, and mentally try to make a withdrawal from the bank in my head where I store the “fun stuff I’m looking forward to” … but then realize it’s all cancelled.  I mean, that part of it is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things –  this too shall pass – but it’s weird just the same.  And opens a whole lot more considerations.  Came up with a quick top 10.

1. I know we’re flattening the curve – coincidentally that’s what is also happening as I stay at home and don’t wear a bra for days on end.  I think there is some ass flattening going on as well, but I don’t want to brag.
2. I feel like if this does pass in a few weeks, you’re going to then see a lot of people casually wearing those toilet paper dresses we’re always forced to make at wedding showers.  They’ll have to use up their stockpile somehow.
3. A thing I hope changes is hand shaking.  It’s weird and unnecessary.  Ever go to shake someone’s hand and it’s wet?  That’s gross.  And again, I’m sorry about that.  Let’s stop doing handshakes.  Let’s just do something cool like 3 air snaps and a twirl. Or at the very least, simple jazz hands.  Pass it on.
4. Question: what happens when your husband doesn’t take the social isolation seriously?  Who can I call to report him when he outright refuses to move into the basement?  I mean, I could possibly entertain a compromise where he is allowed up here for short periods, but under no circumstances can touch the remote.  Please advise.
5. One small positive thing is that I get to one-click unsubscribe from every company I ever gave my email to.
6. I feel like Fitbit should reprogram so that 500 steps a day is the new target.  I keep getting buzzed by mine saying it’s time to walk 250 steps and I’m like, YEAH RIGHT!!! The fridge is 5 steps away!
7. I keep thinking of all the stuff I can get done around here in the time saved not commuting.  Finally!   All the cleaning and organizing.  It’s going to be great.  This place will be unrecognizable. I’m gonna get on it as soon as I finish Netflix, Crave and Prime.
8. Checked my retirement fund and looks like it’s going to be a “Freedom 95” situation for me.  I hope when things get back to normal that the youngsters I work with don’t mind a bit of drool on their paperwork. (That’s actually already started).
9. I saw where people in Italy went outside on their balconies and entertained each other with their musical talents and I was thinking what a great idea that is.  If it comes to a lockdown situation here I would like to do it but I don’t have any musical talents.  I think I’m really good at Zumba-ing (multiple Zumba teachers would disagree), so I might go outside and do some of that on the lawn if the temperature comes up to something reasonable above zero.  This is also dependent on someone cleaning up all the dog doodoo that has emerged from under the snow. Stay tuned.
10. I feel like I might be getting closer to learning French.  Trudeau and all the spokespeople keep jumping between the two languages and I think I’m starting to understand the French part.  So TAKE THAT University Professor who failed me in that course and wouldn’t give me a do-over, I’m not hopeless no matter what you say!

Stay home.  Stay safe.

Au revoir, miei amici!

Disclaimer#2 – Note to all who read this (yes, all 10-15 of you) – I know this is serious business and I’m not making light of the alarming situation.  My thoughts are with anyone who is or has loved ones at risk.  If we all do our part we can make a difference. Hoping that things get back to normal soon, and huge props to all the amazing healthcare, emergency and vital service folks having to navigate this evolving situation.

 

Dog Days of Summer

Hi guys.  Long time no talk.

On June 7th we lost our sweet golden retriever Forrest, and knew that we could never get another dog. We already had the best one.  We especially weren’t going to get a rebound dog, because that’s a terrible idea, you tend to not make good decisions and end up with who knows what.  I got rid of all (most) of the dog stuff, and put some of the better items we had (nice brush, good Kong) in a place where I wouldn’t have to see them every day, but could give them to someone who was still doing the dog ownership thing, oblivious to the fact that they are in for a world of hurt someday.

The long weekend seemed really LONG without the usual hikes etc., and I developed a morbid curiosity about what even dogs are out there on Kijiji looking to be rehomed (even though we’re not getting one ever again).  I mean, yeah, I may have texted about one dog but the lady answered me once then ignored my 8 follow-up questions and ghosted me so whatever, it wasn’t meant to be.

But then out of the blue this Sunday she unghosted me.  Long story short.  Meet Jack. (Name subject to change without notice.)

Our decision making is stellar, I think you’ll agree. So far, here are all of his qualities:

1. He’s cute, but came with exactly nothing.  No collar.  No shots. No manners. Not even a Ziploc bag of food.
2. Has never had a collar or leash on, but now recognizes that’s his signal to lay down.
3. Will ONLY ride shotgun, even if there is already a passenger in the said position.  No amount of restraint will keep him from clamouring to front, sometimes throwing the car into neutral at 80km hr, and/or standing on the toggle that turns on the seat heater full blast, most welcome during this heat wave
4. Filthy ears – mites?
5. Countless pees on the floor.  Like if we’re outside he runs to the house to go to the bathroom, much the same as I do.
6. Inhales his food, so sometimes loudly barfs at 3am in his crate beside my bed.
7. Forrest he is not.  Forrest used to stroll into the bathroom so he could get patted on the head, while you were “sitting still”.  Last night immediately following my impromptu crate cleanup, this one crashed in on me , grabs the drawstring on my pj shorts and played Tug of War, so I couldn’t pull them up.  It was a standoff if you will.  I had to Winnie the Pooh it back into bed for a precious few winks
8. Thinks commando crawling toward a furious hissing  senior cat who has only ever enjoyed 4 dog free weeks in his whole life is a solid way to network.
9. So smart that he continues to stare and wag excitedly at your ball throwing hand, long after the ball has left your grip and is clear across the yard.
10. Loves the taste of noodles, especially the pool variety.
11. Has an evil twin, who he growls at and lunges toward whenever it’s nighttime and he can see his reflection in the window.
12. Requires virtually no sleep.

I thought you people were my friends.  Why didn’t any of you stop me?

Ps – if any of you have any thoughts on where I might have put that Kong and the good dog stuff, drop me a line. I’m so sick of looking!

This is how we hike now.

 

 

 

 

 

Living in Harmony, minus the “e”

Well, I think we were ill informed when we bought this place, and we would sue the real estate agent if we had one, but we bought it from Kijiji so I guess that’s out.

Nowhere in the fine print of the ad did it mention that the eventual purchaser would be rendered completely unproductive due to the spectacular view. I spend every minute at home with my increasingly ample butt firmly planted in a lawn chair or swing, staring out at the beautiful vista. If the weather is inclement, I sit in the house and gaze out the various windows. It’s all I can do to tear myself away and go to work! And blogging – well, forget about it. I thought I had better make an attempt though, or maybe WordPress will revoke my privileges.

Plus, when you spend your time staring out the window, you have time to reflect about all kinds of things you could blog about. For example, recently I thought about dating. Plus, I ran into an ex-colleague who, the last time I checked, was happily married, but things have changed in recent years, and on this particular day he was out on an “internet date” on a patio.

It got me thinking – I just can’t imagine inflicting myself on dating anyone at this stage in my life. Especially, those internet sites like e-Harmony that have you fill out a questionnaire and then match you with your perfect match. I can only imagine what the guy who ended up with ME as his perfect match, would have had to say on his questionnaire:

My Perfect Woman :

Physically, my preference runs to women with loose skin on her face and even looser on her neck, and she has a faint, light fuzz above her upper lip, and maybe even the occasional mole with a saucy rogue whisker. As for her hair, I’m not crazy about long tresses, but instead prefer thinning, shorter sassy cuts, with at least ¼ inch of grey root. Speaking of hair, I’m a big fan of the ones that sometimes peek out the nostril and occasionally glisten in the sunshine.

I have a bit of a foot fetish – well, bunion fetish would be more accurate. The bigger the better – ideally they are spilling out through the sides of her Tender Tootsies. And heels that are deeply cracked and are the colour of grey concrete are a real turn-on. Still with the feet – if hers turned out ever so slightly, so that her tracks in the snow resemble the letter Y, that would be adorable.

Conversation wise, my preference runs to someone whose banter consists of mainly status updates on what each of her kids are doing, and who makes a habit of blurting out things like the household maintenance tasks that need to be done, and upcoming bills that need to be paid. Ideally she would also use me as a sounding board for her righteous outrage whenever someone like Bell Canada or Service Canada takes advantage of her good nature and deals her an injustice.

I like a woman who is health conscious enough to mentor me and educate me about nutrition , yet is edgy enough to singlehandedly dummy a family sized bag of Miss Vickys chips with such enthusiasm that she cuts up the inside of her mouth – giving us yet another conversation topic for the next few days.

I want a mature woman, but one who still has a playful, youthful side – like for example, can still pull off a major eye-roll, usually when I’m sharing my plans for an upcoming project – or just generally talking about my aspirations for the future.

Well, I guess it’s not out of the question – I do sound pretty hot when I see it all written down like that. ( I am REALLY HOT, actually). But there’s the whole communication thing, that would be a pain, learning to read each other. Like for example on the first date – he would probably think it’s going exceptionally WELL, just because my pants would be undone in the car on the way home from the restaurant, and my bra would be off and yanked out one sleeve seconds after arriving at home.

UGH …. just thinking about it is exhausting. I feel an overpowering urge to renew our vows.