*Not a real word
Well … it’s been rather a long time. There’s no denying it. I know I just disappeared without a word, and I’m sure it caused many sleepless nights and maybe even one or two Amber Alerts. It’s not you – it’s me. But the answer to my extended absence is in plain sight in the of the name of my blog … I just got a little sick of me. “Me, me, me all the time”. I worried I might be approaching the point where I became one of those people who find themselves infinitely fascinating, and who simply cannot have an unexpressed thought. Stop me when that happens, will you? But … enough about YOU.
How is it possible that another year has blown by? It’s 2014. That’s frightening on so many levels, but this one in particular: In my “corporate” job that I started in 1997, from day one my HR information always said:
“Year eligible for retirement – 2014”
Sadly, that job came to an end, but that other date has stuck with me. It is officially 2014 – and let me make it perfectly clear … I am in no way “eligible for retirement”. For the following 10 reasons:
- Still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.
- Not mature, in the maturity sense. Still the first one to laugh at inappropriate times, dance like no ones watching when clearly, people are watching, and they’re horrified (usually because I’m in an elevator, store, or my car).
- Not disciplined. Would just lay around in my PJs and eat mini chocolate bars instead of going to lawn bowling or to seniors get 15% off days at Shoppers Drug Mart.
- Still too good at driving. I restrict use of my blinker to times when I’m actually turning. Plus I go 20 kms above the speed limit at all times.
- Still have kids at home. Sure, they are grown ass adults who spend most of their time trying to get away from my smothering ways … “What are you looking for?” “Who texted you?” “Where are you going?” “Did you have a good sleep?” “When do you work?” “Are you cold/hot/hungry/sad/drunk/crazy?” etc. etc. etc.
- Punctuality issues – still arrive everywhere late. Couldn’t make an early bird special to save my life.
- Still HATE gardening. I believe it’s still illegal and immoral to be “retired” and yet lounge around a weed filled yard with flower beds full of dandelions and skunkweed, drinking daiquiris in a leopard two piece.
- My bucket list still involves an actual bucket, and a list of things that I intend to “give a good scrubbing” when I get home from work. If I retired, I would always be “home from work”. Hence my dilemma.
- My dog is too young. Many retired people I know have a sedentary geriatric dog with warts and mysterious smells and no teeth. My dog is a mere 3 years old and is full of piss and vinegar and just enough attitude to make coming home from work every night a bit of an adventure. “What did he ruin today??” It wouldn’t seem fair to him to just BE home from work every day, and cut his demolition career while he’s in his prime.
- Investments. As a retiree, rumour has it that you’re supposed to have them. I’ve been heavily-invested for years in things like ½ hour sit coms, Saturday Night Live reruns, and late night eating contests starring me … going up against – me. It’s not like I don’t have a financial plan – I’m not an idiot. It’s just that so far every time I check my portfolio it says “NOT A WINNING TICKET”.
Sure, I’d be “eligible for retirement” if it only meant superficial things like:
- Endless repertoire of “in my day” stories.
- Brown spots multiplying at breakneck speed.
- Upper lip 5 o’clock shadow.
- Regularly reach the top/bottom of the stairs without even an inkling of why I went up/down there.
- Intermittent rogue nose hair.
- Constant muttering. (I’ve been muttering the whole time I’ve been writing this.)
- Bunions that would put Paul to shame.
- Fascination with roller coasters officially replaced with growing interest in “Stairlifts”.
- Increasing crankiness. For effect I was going to say , “I put the crotch in crotchety” – but who SAYS that? That’s disgusting. Suffice it to say – I’m sometimes cranky. And lastly, and probably most important …
- Waning interest in getting out of bed in the morning to attend any sort of job.
If that’s all it takes, then YES, I couldn’t be more eligible. I’m frickin’ GEORGE CLOONEY eligible. But sadly, in spite of official Human Resources documentation from the nineties; I think my realistic retirement date is something like 2034. So, co-workers — you’re in for a TREAT. Because I’m not getting older … I’m getting more and more eligible.
14 responses to “Retirement Aspirement*”
Oh how I have missed your witty humour KB!
And I yours!
She’s back…where have you been…or more to the point how bored have you been during this Polar Vortex to start blogging again?
Thanks for the chuckle in the morning!! Always find myself giggling and couldn’t care who’s watching. Glad you’re back!!
That gawd you are back. I didn’t realize how much I missed you until you returned. You always crack me up, make my day, make me feel “normal ” and provide a great excuse to ignore those pressing items on my never ending to do list.
Good luck in you new 2034 quest.
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What nice words you say! Thank you and Happy New Year my friend, hope all is well with you and yours!
THANK GAWD. *cancels OPP request for APB* 😉
Haha – that’s a good one – I should be putting one out on you – I understand you’ve fled the country 🙂 Thank goodness for this interweb so we don’t have to lose touch!
I told you it had been far too long since we had heard from you. So glad you are back. Do try to be more consistent in this auspicious year!
If you just turn your humour into a money-making endeavor, you can retire in a couple years, but you’ll be having too much fun.
You need to get busy and get me some more material … there was lots of stuff in the old days when you worked and fell down in the parking lot and skinned your knees on the first day because your fancy shoes were too tall and whatnot. Try to top that and also get photos this time … thanks.
Wow – this is dated! This goes way back to before Amal Clooney happened.
omg I miss you… Just read this now 2 years later … All I can say is DITTO!!
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I miss you too!