It’s almost golf season. Well, technically it’s already golf season but the weather has been uncooperative so we haven’t made it out yet. We 12 local women (give or take) have been golfing 9 holes quasi-faithfully once a week for about the past 10 years. (You might think that in that time I would have shown some improvement. You would be wrong.)
Our local course holds a weekly ladies night, coincidentally on the same night that we go out – but we don’t participate in it. That’s because after 10 years of play together, we have customized and refined the rules somewhat. Since we are such a mature, elite, finely tuned advanced golf playing unit, we can’t be integrated into the general ladies night population. Subtle differences in our playbook are:
- We have been known to call off the golf date without notice if any of these circumstances arise: a)Too Hot b) Too Cold c) Too Rainy d) Might Rain e) Too Windy f) Too much gossip to be realistically dealt with during the après golf session.
- We do not adhere to the dress code. When it’s hot and menopausal out, the last thing you want is a collar. We sometimes go with the tankini or muscle shirt. Plus, golf shoes are not always the best fashion choice. We live by the motto that “It is better to look good than to golf good.” (Grammar is not a strong suit either.)
- We walk, we don’t cart. If we participated in real ladies night we would be expected to cart it, but we enjoy our leisurely strolls down the fairway, even when the Marshall is lurking along behind us, trying to hurry us along. (He is never successful. As if we got this far in our lives without being able to ignore an irritated man.)
- We don’t keep score. Well that’s not true. A couple of the girls who are good (and I use the term “girls” loosely) secretly keep their own scores. And when I say good, these individuals could play on the Pro Circuit. (I amuse myself by commenting “good try” every time they knock one down the middle of the fairway. It never gets old. They in turn, try to look busy during all of my practice shots that we both know are in reality, swings and misses.)
- We take snack breaks. Golfing is hungry work. On any given night, our golf bags are filled with ju-jubes, trail mix, Pringles, granola bars – and that’s just to tide us over until the post-golf fellowship session at somebody’s house, featuring beer, chips, cheese trays, multiple dips, fruit and veggie platters and a selection of delectable sweets. Luckily we’ve learned that our golf shorts must offer the same flexibility as turkey pants.
- We are sometimes noisy. The whole notion of silence when someone is driving or putting or whatever just doesn’t work for us. We have a lot of material to cover. On average each of the players has 2.5 children, and we need weekly status updates on each of them, including job prospects, romantic couplings, changes of address and news of any impending or existing grandchildren, so at 12 women x 5 minutes per update – think “The View” on steroids. We can’t be simply shutting up every few minutes, we’re all accomplished multi-taskers and it’s just not a good use of time.
- We are sometimes excessively noisy. When something completely unexpected happens, like the ball goes in the hole without the benefit of 4 or 5 putts and a well placed tap with the foot wedge, we have been known to scream, jump and carry on a bit like pubgoers did when Canada won the men’s Olympic hockey game .
- We sometimes use profanities. Like when we (and in this case, when I say “we” I mean “I”) yell “Whore” instead of “Fore”, at the foursome of our friends in front of us, when they are in imminent danger of being hit by one of our balls. This almost never happens, because they tend not to walk in the bush or wade in the water where my balls usually gravitate.
- We have been known to sneak onto parts of the course we’re not supposed to. Every year, for the past 10 years, the SAME 9 holes. Honestly. The golf course business has done really well, and expanded to a spectacular 27 hole course – yet we are expected to play the SAME 9 holes. Sometimes, when nobody is looking … and things are really slow in front of us … we just make a break for the nice, newer sections of the course. If discovered, we have no trouble pulling off the old “disoriented” routine.
- Sometimes we lose control. (And in this case when I say “we” I mean “they”) When something really remarkable happens, like somebody chips it in or gets a hole in 2 or 3, all out hysteria, flatulence and/or mild incontinence has been known to ensue.
Even though there has been surprisingly little effort on their part to recruit us, we must nevertheless decline joining the local ladies night group. Sorry about your loss – you can keep your carts and your scorecards and your collared shirts and your etiquette. In short, after 10 years of golfing, our standards are set pretty high, and we’re a little too discriminating to play with just anybody. See you on the links next week. Weather and other stuff permitting.